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Basic Toilet Humor

Restroom comedy has traditionally served as the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and writers stay alert regarding memorable lavatory incidents and key events, particularly within football. What a delight it was to learn that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal within his residence. Spare a thought regarding the Barnsley supporter who understood the bathroom a little too literally, and was rescued from an empty Oakwell stadium post-napping in the lavatory at half-time during a 2015 defeat versus the Cod Army. “He was barefoot and couldn't find his phone and his hat,” elaborated an official from the local fire department. And nobody can overlook when, at the height of his fame at Manchester City, the controversial forward visited a nearby college to access the restrooms back in 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, then came in and was asking directions to the restrooms, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told the Manchester Evening News. “Later he simply strolled round the campus acting like the owner.”

The Lavatory Departure

Tuesday represents 25 years from when Kevin Keegan quit as England manager after a brief chat within a restroom stall together with Football Association official David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss versus Germany during 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the famous old stadium. As Davies recalls in his journal, FA Confidential, he stepped into the wet struggling national team changing area immediately after the match, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams motivated, both players begging for the director to convince Keegan. After Dietmar Hamann's set-piece, Keegan moved wearily along the passageway with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies discovered him collapsed – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, whispering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies attempted urgently to save the circumstance.

“What place could we identify for confidential discussion?” stated Davies. “The passageway? Swarming with media. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Only one option presented itself. The toilet cubicles. A significant event in English football's extensive history took place in the vintage restrooms of a stadium facing demolition. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I secured the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I'm unable to energize the team. I can't extract the additional effort from these athletes that's required.’”

The Consequences

And so, Keegan resigned, subsequently confessing he considered his period as Three Lions boss “without spirit”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It’s a very difficult job.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Whether for good or bad, those stadium lavatories and those iconic towers are long gone, while a German now sits in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: National team followers, value this time. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Real-Time Coverage

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for women's football cup news regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Quote of the Day

“We remained in an extended queue, clad merely in our briefs. We were Europe’s best referees, premier athletes, inspirations, adults, parents, strong personalities with strong principles … however all remained silent. We hardly glanced at one another, our looks wavered slightly nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina inspected us completely with a chilly look. Mute and attentive” – previous global referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“What does a name matter? There exists a Dr Seuss poem named ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to oversee the primary team. Complete Steve forward!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and awarded some merch, I've chosen to type and share a brief observation. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts on the school grounds with children he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|